[11:53] alexalovesyoux0×0@mac.com: 1. I have no idea why I’m doing this; Haley Crimmins is basically my motivation to actually for it.
2. She actually thinks she’s my motivation to live, but I think otherwise.
3. I wish I was Asian.
4. If I try to type fast, I end up spelling about seven different words wrong.
5. I wear makeup. It makes me feel somewhat sophisticated in a certain sense.
6. I’m always the fall asleep first whenever I sleep over somebody’s house, but I’m always the last person asleep at my own.
7. I seriously will randomly break out into song if that’s what my heart’s feeling at that moment.
8. I enjoy Disney movies, like the princesses.
9. I’ll keep your secret if you trust me. But surprisingly, only a handful does.
10. I really think that the grossest thing in the world is pork chops. And porn, but that’s another story.

[11:54] alexalovesyoux0×0@mac.com: 1. I wish everyone dressed like we were in the 50’s. That’d be hot.
2. The new season of Gossip Girl starts on my birthday, September 14th. And that’s probably going to be the best gift I get this year.
3. I think that when Mark LeBeau wears that vest, it gives him a sense of confidence that nobody can strip from him, and I have some odd level of respect for that.
4. Haley, try tomato on a plain bagel with cream cheese, it totally changed my outlook on tomatoes.
5. Sometimes, when I’m alone in my house, I’ll get in this dress that I have and fix my hair and makeup nice, and get in front of a mirror and blast “I Feel Pretty” and basically be Maria from West Side Story.
6. I hate my hair.
7. Jeanine Mason is basically the most perfect dancer to ever be on national television.
8. Anthony Crosbie’s real name is AJ.
9. I tried to sneak out my window one time. I locked myself out of the house.
10. I really want to have my birthday party at IKEA, cause I love IKEA.

[11:54] H4L3Yhatesyou: lmfao “anthony crosbie’s real name is AJ
[11:55] alexalovesyoux0×0@mac.com: 1. Dance basically took over my life.
2. I don’t have MySpace cause I’m afraid that one day some stalker man will show up at my doorway with my profile paragraph memorized to a t. (caughHaleycough)
3. My AIM may be alexalovesyoux0×0, but that’s probably a lie.
4. I think it would be really cool if I could stand on my head.
5. One time, I spend a whole day listening to Jason Mraz songs and tried to find ways that they could relate to me.
6. My bedroom is orange and white.
7. My toothbrush is the same colors as my room.
8. I usually smell like vanilla, cause that’s the way the lotion I wear smells; Chris Betancourt always makes a point to tell me this.
9. I learned how to ride a bike at age 13. However, my mom doesn’t let me cross the street because I can’t ride in a straight line.
10. WOAHHHHHH WERE HALFWAY THERE!

[11:56] alexalovesyoux0×0@mac.com: 1. I think that the show Glee on FOX is going to be one of those shows that you mark your calendars for.
2. I like the smell of crayons. And the smell of Christmas trees. And burning wood.
3. I can’t get a tan if my life depended on it.
4. I love to travel, and I’m dying to get out of the country.
5. I really like when I have to drive up to dance conventions in Orlando alone with my mom cause then we don’t fight and we actually have a good time together.
6. When Harry Met Sally and Breakfast at Tiffany’s are the definitions of epic movies.
7. Sean Wadsworth= Seth Rogen. Drew Lovera= Borat. Eric Vites= Chris Griffin. Enough said.
8. I really enjoy cheesecake.
9. New York City is my real hometown, even though my parents insist its Weston, Florida.
10. Broadway is my calling.

[11:56] H4L3Yhatesyou: WHOAAAAA LIVIN ON A PRAYER
[11:56] alexalovesyoux0×0@mac.com: 1. Will Ferrell in Elf is my favorite role in a movie.
2. With the exception of numbers 36 and 41, Enchanted is my favorite movie. I am princess Giselle. I sing to animals and I will soothe you with a beautiful ballad.
3. I have a scary voice.
4. I cried when Michael Jackson died.
5. I actually prayed that I would get Mrs. Sanderson for English class, and God answered me.
6. I’m afraid of hurting anyone, because I know it will just end up hurting myself.
7. I’ll speak my mind to you if you give me the chance to.
8. My straightening iron is my prized possession, along with my phone and laptop.
9. My lyrical large group dance is to a cover of “Don’t Stop Believing’” Seventh grade, representttt (:
10. All of my smiley faces go to the left.

[11:56] alexalovesyoux0×0@mac.com: 1. Canal Street is a very scary place.
2. I’m short and I have small ears.
3. My eyes are too big for my face. My brother says I look like the hamster thing from Madagascar.
4. If I was Asian, number 53 wouldn’t be a problem.
5. Haley and me make FML posts that tell exactly what happened to us today, explaining why our lives are fucked.
6. I don’t like cursing a lot, but some things have to be said sometimes,
7. Please Recycle, and Always Smile.
8. I’ll have what she’s having.
9. I think koalas are adorable little fur balls.
10. Uniforms are ugly.
11. Can you imagine Grahaem in an army uniform? Damn, boy.
12. Is this enough, Haley?

I haven’t written here in a long time. So since the past….21-something days have passed without me getting out any anger or feelings, I need to just endlessly write for a few minutes. Here goes;

1. My sister leaves for college in a few days. DAYS. It used to be in a year. In a couple of months. But now its DAYS away from her not being here anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to deal without having her here. She is the only other person I have besides Katie and Sam(who lives 1,000 miles away.) Obviously, my mother is doing drugs. EVEN IF she is telling the truth and is only taking 2 or 3 in the mornin, she is still risking a lot. She is STILL an addict. She still has left a wide open space for the drugs to just sweep in and take over her && my life. AGAIN. That’s completely not okay. She has already fucked up her first marriage but now she is doing the same with Al. They are getting a divorce, and even though I believe that love can get through anything; I would leave her dumb ass too. She doesn’t realize that she is about to loose me. AND my sister. At the same time. My sister may have to stay home from college and take care of me at my dad’s old apartment because my mother is going to be taking care of me ALL BY HER SELF. And I can’t watch her. I can’t make sure she isn’t doing drugs and is paying the bills. I’m only a teenager. Someone needs to be taking care of me and watching me. But I don’t want my sister to miss out on being in college. And going to Alabama and being with her friends JUST because of me. I would never be able to forgive myself or ever be able to repay her for making such a jump for me. For taking such a huge risk and chunk out of her own life to make sure I’m okay.

2. School starts soon. Like, real soon. I don’t know weather to be excited or extremely scared. Excited because it’s my last year and it’s going to be so much fun. Scared because that means soon it will be all over & I’ll be in highschool soon. OKAY, I choose excited (:

3. I don’t know. I felt like it had no purpose to number them if there was less than three. So I just added this for no reason.

One more thing? I love you.

I’m a fool. A completely and utterly foolish girl who desperately needs to find out who she is. I know, how overly fortune-cookie-ish of me, right? But it’s the truth.

I know, I am so dumb because I actually forgave Sam for what happend…Actually it was my fault for believing those stupid girls in the first place. Yes, I am dating him again. Have been since June 21. I can honestly say I’m happy. Even if the girl thing HAPPENS to be true, at least I can hide all of that behind what we used to be & are now. I can just forget about it and only have the good memories. Hoping that my mind will cooperate with that plan, I’ll stay with him. The simplest reason why? I’m happy. I have a reason to smile without needing a reason. If that makes sense. Just knowing that, even if it is a lie and I am just being fooled, someone loves me. And needs me. And wants me. I’m a very codependant person, I’ve learned in the past month and a half. Not quite sure if I like that about myself or not, yet. All I know is that even if I am being completlely duped out by this person, and it all IS just one big fat lie…IT MADE ME HAPPY. And you all know that quote “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.”? Well I am superly duperly hoping that is true. The only bad thing? I haven’t heard his voice since Tuesday. And before Tuesday I hadn’t heard it since the Tuesday before that! And seeing as it is now Thursday, I am terribly missing my boyfriend’s voice. I know, it’s because his grandpa is dying and all, but I wish he would still make a little more effort to talk to “his one and only”. If he really felt that way about me, wouldn’t he make a little more effort to talk to me now and than? Without ME being the first to text him? I guess I’m just being paranoid…but I dont know. I’m such a worry wart!

Want to read the cutest thing anyone has ever said to me?

Haley, you will really never understand how much I truly do love you, though. Everything you do somehow amazes me. When I say everything, I mean it. When you call me ‘baby’ my heard starts beating 20 times faster. When I can hear in your voice that you have a smile on your face, my smile automatically becomes five times bigger. But I always seem to have a smile on my face when we’re talking. Since the day I met you, I knew that I would fall hard for you. Just the way we talked and connected that quickly, I knew we would be together. I lied about that on the phone because I’m too embarassed to say stuff like this to you. I don’t know why I’ve suddenly decided to spill my entire heart out to you , but I’m glad I did because maybe now you can understand PART of how much I love you. Haley you are everything to me. I would be completely lost without you. You’re the most beautiful girl, with the best sense of humor and the greatest body ever, haha. I guess the point of this is that.. I love you. So much, Haley. And I want you to be with me for the rest of my life.

(: <3

Listening to: I Run To You – Lady Antebellum

So after re-reading over and over again my last post I realized only one thing: never to ever write a blog when I am that ticked off. Ever. I can forget about Sam. I can fake a smile at Rachel  & Rhonda & Trap’s suprise party. I can forgive my aunt…Well maybe. I can get over this and get through this. I have not spoken one word to any part of my mom’s side of the family since I wrote the last post. Crazy, right? Well, I guess that is technically a lie because I did text both of my aunts ONCE. But, I said speaking right? Oh well. My life has been so carefree the past week. I LIKE not talking to them. Scratch that- LOVE not talking to them. They are so stressing!

Me and Drew are friends again…sorta. I’m kind of working on that. Ha. I mean, we talk sometimes & he WAS the only person I could talk to the night Sam/Taylor almost broke up with me the first time. So maybe things will start being normal again. Although, I know they could never be exactly the same. Another glorious thing that has happened? My mother finally realized just how much I want to move and is ACTUALLY talking about moving the summer before freshman year! FUCK YES. I usually don’t curse on this blog THAT much, but just the thought of moving makes me sosososo happy. I’m sort of really liking the thought/idea of starting completely over. I mean, not only is highschool a big change BUT if I could move that would be even better. This whole town just makes me self conscious, really. I already have had to deal with these people in my school since I was 3, I do not want the four years of my life that are supposed to be the best ruined by them. OH, I completely forgot about this! I am finallllyy getting braces! Crazy right? They put some spacer shit in my mouth so they could have my teeth partially moved enough so that the REAL spacer would fit in my mouth perfectly. My gosh, it hurts so much. I had to eat a whole tub of ice cream and thats just from these little rubberbands! What am I going to do when they have to actually take out 4 of my teeth!

So, my problem of the week/month/year, you ask? I don’t really know who I am. I know things about myself, sure. Like, I grew up to fast. Flirtatiousness is a part of my personality. I never carry more than 4 things in my purse. I want to live in New York City in an apartment with a fire escape(i.e., Breakfast At Tiffanys). I do not under any circumstances like tomatoes. I’m afraid of creepers during the night. I try to please people way to much. I have a hard time saying no to people. I hate letting people down. Usually, I’ll say yes to arrange plans but not have any intentions on actually falling threw with them. I know that I usually fall faster than I should, and most times I am just setting myself up for disapointment. I know that I have a good talent at lying(not something I’m proud of.). I know that I have horrid trust issues & really only have a looksee of what ‘love’ is supposed to feel and be like from movies. I know that I say ‘fuck’ way to much. I know that sometimes I try to be someone I’m not so that some people will stay in my life. I know that I have dreams way to big for this town. I know that sometimes I take things for granted & I also know that I shouldn’t. I know that I shouldn’t dwell on the past or the mistakes my mom made in the past, to be more clear. I know I should be a more forgiving person and have more faith in people. But,like I said, I don’t trust easily. I know that I love crying. Not because I’m some emo freak, but I just love letting it all out and basically just being vulnerable for a few minutes. I know that I worry to much about the future and forget to just live in the moment, frequently. I’ve learned that it really usually is just a problem that I care to much and the other person cares to little. I’m aware that I do not know the meaning of a true bestfriend. I know that even though I may try and act like I do not, I care WAY to much about what other people live & I also know that is really a big part of why I hold back so much. The only question I have, is this: If I can figure out all of this, and so much more I can’t even write, why can’t I figure out who I am/who I am supposed to be? Am I supposed to know? Or just go wandering around this world alone, searching for the clue that will tell me all about myself. Or maybe I’m not supposed to be anyone. I’m supposed to just invent myself along the way and than when it comes a lot closer to the time that my life ends, I can look back and finally know just who exactly I am. But what do I know?

So here goes nothing. My ex boyfriend, you know the one I wrote a whole entire post about basically?, is actually A GIRL. Yeah, that’s right I said GIRL. She has been pretending to be a boy named Sam for so long. Taylor is her real name. She is actually 12. She lied to me about everything and than broke my heart on Friday so she could date some other girl from rp. ALL of the people are from rp. Martha, Olivia, Natalia, Abbi. I am just so mad that he was fake. But I can get over that. What I can’t get over is the fact that when it happened I told NAYNAY, my drug addict aunt, and I completely trusted her with the secret about roleplay that no one else knew. No one. And know, you wanna know what happened? She told my mom. She told my mom about roleplay, about Sam/Taylor being a girl, about everything. The one person in my family I was SO sure I could trust just threw me out left field to a pack of wolves. I have no one to trust. No one. I feel like I am so alone it’s not even funny. And the one person that would be amazing to have right now is a girl and lied about every fucking thing. Do you know how this feels? Do you know how fucked up my trust is going to be throughout my life now? Wow. I never thought this would have happened. I am so fucking done with trust. WOW so I just found out right now that she also told Kayla. Sure, I would’ve told Kayla eventually but I wanted to do that. ME. MYSELF. Not her. No, fuck this. I can’t believe this. Suddenly going on the worst trip of my life to Michigan does not seem so bad. I feel so betrayed right now, on so many levels. It is not even funny. How on earth am I supposed to make it through the next 5 years by myself here.

I desperately need to get out of this place. I need to get away from all of this.

alexalovesyoux0×0@mac.com (11:36:40 PM): Today, my long distance boyfriend decided that hes not sure wether he wants to break up with me or not. now my best friend doesnt give a shit on whats going on in my life  and proceeds to be a backstabbing BITCH. now im talking to my physcopath 5th grade best friend who is demanding me to mention her in my thanksgiving grace. FML.

Listening to: A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton

So, WOW. I haven’t written here in only 16 days, and my life has changed drastically since than. First of all, I have a boyfriend. I know, crazy right? His name is Sam. & I love him. I really really do. He is so fucking perfect. Even though..you know, he has his moments. Like, when he is super high which means he’s super horny & annoying me to send him pictures. By the way, he lives in Iowa. I know, I know what your thinking. How did you meet him? Well, it sounds bad, but RP. I met him on RP. & I’m so glad I did. He is so fucking perfect, I can’t even explain it. He says all the right things & he’s so cuteeeee. He asked me to be his girlfriend on June 3, 2009. Obviously, I said yes. (: I never knew what it felt like to be in love. It scares me to say that, because I know some how that we aren’t gunna get married and live happily ever after, & that somehow one of us will get hurt at one point because this isn’t going to be forever. But, I love him. I really do. I wish he didn’t live so far away. It’s like, when your in love, you forget all other priorities. I basically don’t even eat anymore. I have so much more to do–well think about & talk about & smile about. My appetite is nothing like it used to be, hahaha. I love talking on the phone with him. I’m so used to his voice, that I could fall asleep to it. I love how he is ALWAYS singing some song while we’re on the phone. I love how when I had school and we would be on the phone until 12 he would always make me go to sleep early because he felt bad about making me go to sleep late. I love how sometimes, a majority of our phone conversations are: “Your so cute.” “No, your so cute.” “No, your so cute.” “No, YOU are so cute.”…and on and on and on. I love how when I’m mad, he can immediately put me in a good mood. I love how one time we were on the phone and he just says: “Haley?” “What?” “I love you.” I love how much happier I am now that I know him. I’m clearly at a loss for words to describe him. It’s so hard to. Because there is so much I want to say and so much I don’t even know how to say. I’m so lovestoned, haha.

So, last Friday was the last day of school. FINALLY, I’m away from that school for a good two months. Yay. Here comes the funny story. We have about two hours left of school for the year, & these two idiot boys decide to call the suicide hot-line and claim that they “have a gun to our head and are about to kill ourselves”. Oh, by the way, they called 7 times. SEVEN TIMES. So, after the seventh call, the lady informed them that calling a hot-line and LYING is considered a federal offense and that the police were on their way to our school. They were, of course, telling the truth and in a few minutes the police walked into the classroom and called Matthew and Grahaem down to the office. They are in some deeeeeep shit, man. Not gunna lie. Grahaem has to go to boot camp. I don’t know about Matthew, but man, they are crazy. Who would do that? Forreal, they are idiots.

Another thing that happened since I last wrote, Katie started to cut again. I just got the shivers from typing it out because seeing it written down means it’s actually real and it’s actually happening. So, one day I look over(I sit next to her in basically every class), and I notice more cut marks. Lucky me for being the one to notice it & have to deal with it all by myself. I told Emily and Paige, and even though I know Katie and them haven’t been on such a good note recently, I know that since she is facing a problem they will always be there for her. Again, we tell Mrs. Sanderson and Mrs. Sanderson told Mrs. Stoudenmire, Katie’s mom. At first, I know, Katie was extremely mad that we told. But I know that somehow she knew it was only because we love her and care about her. If I hadn’t of told Mrs. Sanderson, would Katie have committed suicide? Or maybe continued to cut? Just the thought of loosing my absolute bestfriend kills me inside. I couldn’t deal with that.

So, the other day me and Sam were on the phone, and he literally kissed me through the phone. Haha. He’s so lame, but its so adorable. It’s kind of bad, because he is so much other than me & he does some pretty hard core shit. Drugs, I mean. It scares me. But, only because I don’t want him to die or something. I know that won’t happen, but still what if he like attempts to kill himself when he’s high? I don’t know, I’m just paranoid. Sgffjhjfhghjgj. It’s so fucking cute when he calls me baby on the phone. I seriously get butterflies every time. He will be like “I love you baby, sweet dreams. Goodnight.” And after that, of course I can’t get to sleep because I’m so sfgjhffgkhl jittery and in love. Hahah. I’m such a loser. The one thing I’m afraid of is that he’s going to end up hurting me. I don’t want that to happen. That’s what I’m so afraid of. I can’t seem to fully let him in because I’m so afraid of getting hurt. Damnit.

“I love you too, Haley. With everything I have.”

Listening to: My dad watch the hockey game

Once again, I haven’t written in here in a long time. I have so much to write about.

First off: Drew. I finally realize that I’m completely in love with him…right when he decides to replace our friendship witha new friendship with katie & be completely and utterly mean to me. Remember the first post I wrote? About how I hate when people tell other people what I say to them blahblah? Well that was about Drew. I should’ve learned from that. Because I guess it really is true that all good things come to an end. Is it not okay for me to not have someone to talk to? Because I swear I have no one to talk to at all anymore. I mean, in the sense of my family problems and just normal stuff. I used to talk to Drew EVERY night. Literally, every single night. And for him to just cut off our friendship and replace me like that ALL WHILE my mom was relapsing? I’m not gunna lie, I cried every night about it. About him. About the loss of the only relationship I so wrongly assumed would last until highschool, or maybe even forever. I miss talking on the phone with him about our fucked up families. I miss calling him my bestfriend. I miss crying about my family while on the phone with him or letting him rant to me about his. I miss telling him the new boy I liked every week, and him telling me his opinion. I miss bad-talking everyone in our class; even though I knew we both just needed to get anger out in some form. I miss him. I miss him. Gosh, I FUCKING MISS HIM.

Well, now that I’m in a really good mood to rant I’ll start by telling you something else that has happened sense the last time I wrote. My mother was relapsing, like I said in the paragraph above, and me and my step-sister were the ones to find out. She pulls some shit that shes “sick” every other fucking month. And all it ends up to be is just another way for her to get drugs. Typical. I honestly thought she was actually trying to be a good mom for once. Well look who feels like the idiot now? Me. Of course, always me.

Kyle Dugan has left the building. I know, what a shame. I really am gunna miss the 8th graders. Well, actually, I’ll miss the idea of being little. Of being young. Because next year, will be my last year in Middle School and my last year at Saint Davids. I don’t know where I will be without all the close-nit people I’ve known since I was THREE. Long time? Tell me about it. But I wouldn’t trade the people for anything. They have taught me so much. But, not gunna lie, I am so much more excited for high school than anything. I can’t wait to join the drama club. I can’t wait to branch out and make new friends. I can’t wait for the next 5 years.

So, right now as I sit at M&M’s kitchen table and type very fastly as M&M and Reilly play Junior Disney Monopoly and my Dad watches some obnoxious show on ESPN, I realize that my life could be a lot worse. I could not have ANY family at all. So I will take my dysfunctionalfamily. I could not have a house at all. So I can deal withmy house, even though there isn’t anything wrong with it. I could live in a communist country where it wouldn’t even be a possibility for my dreams to come true. So I will make them come true because I am lucky enough to have the ability TO make them come true.

Things I want to do during high school:

1. Join the Drama Club
2. Try out for American Idol when I am the qualifying age
3. Not care what people think
4. Make NEW friends
5. Keep my grades up
6. Not let people walk all over me & speak my mind

Well, I think this is sufficiently long enough (: I’ll write another soon!

I know that if you looked at my age you wouldn’t think that someone of 13 years of age could have learned so much already. But I have. Trust me, I know there is so much I do not know about life, but there is also so much I do know about life, love, and truth. I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved; the rest is simply up to them. I’ve learned that no matter how much I or anyone else can care, some people just don’t care back. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know a thing or two. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people, It’s what they do about it and how they let it affect themselves. I’ve learned that no matter how much you want to deny it, there are always two sides to everything. I’ve learned that you should always ALWAYS have only loving words to your family and friends because in all honesty it could be the last time you’ll see them. I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t. I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done, when it needs to be done; regardless of the consequences to themself. I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don’t know how to show it. I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel. I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to love you doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that; it only shows they are human and they make mistakes too. I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others and that sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself also. I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief or for your heart to heal. I’ve learned that our background and family may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become and how we let people see us. I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, doesn’t mean they do. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally and completely different. I’ve learned that no matter what, those who are honest with themselves go far in life. I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of seconds by a person you don’t even know. I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend needs you, you will find the strength to help. I’ve learned that sometimes you don’t need someone there to tell you what to do with the problems you are facing, but all you need is someone there to listen. I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings or standing up for what you believe in. I’ve learned to love and be loved.