Livelaughlove's Blog

Confession 1.

donttrustahoe — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 23:14:36 +0000

I’m having a hard time believing in heaven. How can we live our lives knowing that one day its all going to just be..gone. Black. Nothing left. No more music, no more colors, no more sounds, no more beautiful faces, no more anything. It’s so hard to even think about that, it almost makes me panic. I’m scared of dying. I’m scared that when that “final” day comes, I won’t be ready. And when I DO die, it really IS the end. There won’t be any shiny gate, there won’t be any familiar faces. There won’t be anything. And if there in fact IS a heaven, will I remember my life? Will I remember my friends, the good times, the bad times? I’m scared of not being able to have my memories. To not be able to remember what it’s like to kiss a boy. To not be able to remember laughing so loud and so much that it hurts your stomach. To not remember what it feels like to be alive. It’s so scary. It’s not fair. Why put us here on earth, and make us live in such a perfect world and then take it all away? It doesn’t make any sense.

I messed up.

donttrustahoe — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:03:21 +0000

Okay. You know what might be the worst feeling in the world? Finding out I was wrong. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I know there’s nothing I could say that could fix this. I wish so badly that I could go back to the VERY FIRST time we broke up and undo it. I have so much faith that we would be together still if we hadn’t broken up that first time. So much faith. We had never even talked on the phone. And now, thinking about it, I realize that’s something we should be proud of not something I should bitch about all the time. We NEVER talked on the phone, we never heard eachother’s voice–yet we still fell in love with eachother. Well I hope it was love, at least. I know, at least, it was for me.
I can’t believe I did it again. I messed up. I made you feel like shit AGAIN. I was the heartless bitch AGAIN. I just don’t know why I get like that. I get scared. Scared that I’m going to get too attached to you and than one day you’re going to be gone. You’ll have found someone better. Or someone who hasn’t hurt you as many times as I have. Someone that you can actually trust. I used to be that girl that you could trust. I don’t know what has happened to me or how I let myself turn into this kind of girl. When we start talking again all those times, I get so happy. And so excited. And so…optimistic that everything will be okay. Than I start thinking. About how young we both are, but how I seriously and genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with you. And how maybe, you’re going to realize that there are other girls and other things you want to experience in the world, and being so committed to me isn’t the right thing for you. I get scared. So scared, that you’re going to leave me and that I’ll end up getting let down. So, instead of doing what I should do by trusting you and just BEING with you, I run away. I make up excuses. And it’s so clear to you now, I’m sure. I do the same thing everytime. I try to make it seem like I don’t care, and make it seem like I never cared, so that you’ll hate me. I’ll say stuff that will really really make you hate me and really really never want to talk to me again. But thinking about it now, I don’t know WHY I do that. I run away from you, when you’re the only person I can talk to and the only person who understands me. I’m so scared, Josh, that this time I’ve lost you for real. I’m so scared that this time really is the end and that I’ve pushed you too far to pull you back again. I know that when I do this I always say “it’s just roleplay” and all that. But it’s NOT just roleplay. It never was. And I wish I could take everything back. You don’t know how badly I want to do that. And how badly I want to make everything better. And how badly I want you to be in love with me like you were in love with me the FIRST time. I wish I could be stronger. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of everything. I wish I didn’t always push you away. I wish I didn’t have to make excuses all the time. I don’t even know WHY I do that. All I do is regret it as soon as I say the shit I say. It’s 12:52. SO far past my bedtime. I wonder if I’ll ever show you this. Or if I’ll ever even talk to you again… I wonder what you’d say. I wonder if you hate me. I wonder if you ever loved me the way you say you did, or if that was all just an act. I don’t think it was, but you know me. I just think to much, always.

January 24, 2010.

donttrustahoe — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:40:49 +0000

I’m scared to truthfully admit but–I’m so in love with you.

14267.) One day you will be sorry. But I wont be there to care.

donttrustahoe — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:37:42 +0000

I don’t know what to think.

donttrustahoe — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:36:59 +0000

I know you will think I’m so crazy for falling in love with a boy from roleplay again, but I can’t help it. Josh is different, I think. I hope. I seriously fucking hope, because I swear if I find out he is fake I’ll become anorexic again. I hate having to worry about that. I know I should just trust him–but how am I supposed to do that when I know what happened last time I trusted a guy/girl from roleplay? Didn’t end too fucking well! But I just feel like everything about him is so damn real. It can’t be fake. It just can’t be.

Field day was today. The last field day at Saint David Catholic school for me. Kind of sad, kind of relieving. Can’t tell which I am feeling right now. Mostly sad. I can’t believe it’s almost all over. 11 years is almost over. All the friendships I’ve made, the people who I’ve known since I was three years old–we’re never going to be as close as we are right now. I’m so scared for the future. I’ve never been this scared in my life. I’m scared about where I’m going to live next year, who I’m going to talk too, what I’ll become. Whet if I don’t make any new friends. What if everyone hates me. I’m terrified of high school.Not to mention the face that I have to do it all by myself. I’m excited for high school, don’t get me wrong.. But I’m scared I won’t make any friends of my own. That I’ll just be a little tag-a-long to whatever Emily and Katie are doing in high school.

I know that my dad is trying. I truly know in my heart that it isn’t even close to a competition between me and my sister. But right now, that’s what it seems like. And she is definitely winning. It scares me that I don’t have as good of a relationship as she did with him. I’m jealous. Really fucking jealous. It just feels like everything I do is wrong and everything she does is right. I hate this feeling. Like I’m not wanted by him. Maybe that’s why I rely on Josh and a bunch of other boys I know so much to feel wanted and needed.

I’m scared to grow up. To be old and wrinkly and have no friends because I smell like old people. That scares me. I don’t want to be ugly. I want to die at 59. Is that bad?

I want to have a kid. I know that is so bad, but I feel like that’s what I really want. I want to be a mother, to always have a best friend. I don’t even care if it’s a girl or a boy. I just want to have a kid. And it’s bad, because I want a kid RIGHT NOW. I want a little baby. A little girl or boy that is my responsibility. I know it sounds crazy, I swear I’m not. I want one so bad. The cute outfits, the name picking. NO PERIOD FOR 9 MONTHS. I know those are only a few things I can think off the top of my head. But I am being completely serious. I want a kid when I’m 17. I can take online classes after they turn a year old, and get my bachelor’s degree. Than maybe go to real college classes during the days when my child is older, so I can get a degree in psychology or something. I don’t know what my plan is. But I swear it involves me having a child at a young age. I don’t care if that stereotypes me as trash, makes people hate me, I really just don’t care. It’s my life. I’ll fuck it up if I want. And who the fuck said it would be fucked up anyway? Damn.

Okay I’m so damn tired, so I’m going to hit the hay. Goodnight, blog.

donttrustahoe — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 21:17:59 +0000

I love this woman.

donttrustahoe — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 16:38:01 +0000

[11:53] alexalovesyoux0x0@mac.com: 1. I have no idea why I’m doing this; Haley Crimmins is basically my motivation to actually for it.
2. She actually thinks she’s my motivation to live, but I think otherwise.
3. I wish I was Asian.
4. If I try to type fast, I end up spelling about seven different words wrong.
5. I wear makeup. It makes me feel somewhat sophisticated in a certain sense.
6. I’m always the fall asleep first whenever I sleep over somebody’s house, but I’m always the last person asleep at my own.
7. I seriously will randomly break out into song if that’s what my heart’s feeling at that moment.
8. I enjoy Disney movies, like the princesses.
9. I’ll keep your secret if you trust me. But surprisingly, only a handful does.
10. I really think that the grossest thing in the world is pork chops. And porn, but that’s another story.

[11:54] alexalovesyoux0x0@mac.com: 1. I wish everyone dressed like we were in the 50’s. That’d be hot.
2. The new season of Gossip Girl starts on my birthday, September 14th. And that’s probably going to be the best gift I get this year.
3. I think that when Mark LeBeau wears that vest, it gives him a sense of confidence that nobody can strip from him, and I have some odd level of respect for that.
4. Haley, try tomato on a plain bagel with cream cheese, it totally changed my outlook on tomatoes.
5. Sometimes, when I’m alone in my house, I’ll get in this dress that I have and fix my hair and makeup nice, and get in front of a mirror and blast “I Feel Pretty” and basically be Maria from West Side Story.
6. I hate my hair.
7. Jeanine Mason is basically the most perfect dancer to ever be on national television.
8. Anthony Crosbie’s real name is AJ.
9. I tried to sneak out my window one time. I locked myself out of the house.
10. I really want to have my birthday party at IKEA, cause I love IKEA.

[11:54] H4L3Yhatesyou: lmfao “anthony crosbie’s real name is AJ
[11:55] alexalovesyoux0x0@mac.com: 1. Dance basically took over my life.
2. I don’t have MySpace cause I’m afraid that one day some stalker man will show up at my doorway with my profile paragraph memorized to a t. (caughHaleycough)
3. My AIM may be alexalovesyoux0x0, but that’s probably a lie.
4. I think it would be really cool if I could stand on my head.
5. One time, I spend a whole day listening to Jason Mraz songs and tried to find ways that they could relate to me.
6. My bedroom is orange and white.
7. My toothbrush is the same colors as my room.
8. I usually smell like vanilla, cause that’s the way the lotion I wear smells; Chris Betancourt always makes a point to tell me this.
9. I learned how to ride a bike at age 13. However, my mom doesn’t let me cross the street because I can’t ride in a straight line.
10. WOAHHHHHH WERE HALFWAY THERE!

[11:56] alexalovesyoux0x0@mac.com: 1. I think that the show Glee on FOX is going to be one of those shows that you mark your calendars for.
2. I like the smell of crayons. And the smell of Christmas trees. And burning wood.
3. I can’t get a tan if my life depended on it.
4. I love to travel, and I’m dying to get out of the country.
5. I really like when I have to drive up to dance conventions in Orlando alone with my mom cause then we don’t fight and we actually have a good time together.
6. When Harry Met Sally and Breakfast at Tiffany’s are the definitions of epic movies.
7. Sean Wadsworth= Seth Rogen. Drew Lovera= Borat. Eric Vites= Chris Griffin. Enough said.
8. I really enjoy cheesecake.
9. New York City is my real hometown, even though my parents insist its Weston, Florida.
10. Broadway is my calling.

[11:56] H4L3Yhatesyou: WHOAAAAA LIVIN ON A PRAYER
[11:56] alexalovesyoux0x0@mac.com: 1. Will Ferrell in Elf is my favorite role in a movie.
2. With the exception of numbers 36 and 41, Enchanted is my favorite movie. I am princess Giselle. I sing to animals and I will soothe you with a beautiful ballad.
3. I have a scary voice.
4. I cried when Michael Jackson died.
5. I actually prayed that I would get Mrs. Sanderson for English class, and God answered me.
6. I’m afraid of hurting anyone, because I know it will just end up hurting myself.
7. I’ll speak my mind to you if you give me the chance to.
8. My straightening iron is my prized possession, along with my phone and laptop.
9. My lyrical large group dance is to a cover of “Don’t Stop Believing’” Seventh grade, representttt (:
10. All of my smiley faces go to the left.

[11:56] alexalovesyoux0x0@mac.com: 1. Canal Street is a very scary place.
2. I’m short and I have small ears.
3. My eyes are too big for my face. My brother says I look like the hamster thing from Madagascar.
4. If I was Asian, number 53 wouldn’t be a problem.
5. Haley and me make FML posts that tell exactly what happened to us today, explaining why our lives are fucked.
6. I don’t like cursing a lot, but some things have to be said sometimes,
7. Please Recycle, and Always Smile.
8. I’ll have what she’s having.
9. I think koalas are adorable little fur balls.
10. Uniforms are ugly.
11. Can you imagine Grahaem in an army uniform? Damn, boy.
12. Is this enough, Haley?

I only wanna be wanted by you.

donttrustahoe — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 07:08:28 +0000

I haven’t written here in a long time. So since the past….21-something days have passed without me getting out any anger or feelings, I need to just endlessly write for a few minutes. Here goes;

1. My sister leaves for college in a few days. DAYS. It used to be in a year. In a couple of months. But now its DAYS away from her not being here anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to deal without having her here. She is the only other person I have besides Katie and Sam(who lives 1,000 miles away.) Obviously, my mother is doing drugs. EVEN IF she is telling the truth and is only taking 2 or 3 in the mornin, she is still risking a lot. She is STILL an addict. She still has left a wide open space for the drugs to just sweep in and take over her && my life. AGAIN. That’s completely not okay. She has already fucked up her first marriage but now she is doing the same with Al. They are getting a divorce, and even though I believe that love can get through anything; I would leave her dumb ass too. She doesn’t realize that she is about to loose me. AND my sister. At the same time. My sister may have to stay home from college and take care of me at my dad’s old apartment because my mother is going to be taking care of me ALL BY HER SELF. And I can’t watch her. I can’t make sure she isn’t doing drugs and is paying the bills. I’m only a teenager. Someone needs to be taking care of me and watching me. But I don’t want my sister to miss out on being in college. And going to Alabama and being with her friends JUST because of me. I would never be able to forgive myself or ever be able to repay her for making such a jump for me. For taking such a huge risk and chunk out of her own life to make sure I’m okay.

2. School starts soon. Like, real soon. I don’t know weather to be excited or extremely scared. Excited because it’s my last year and it’s going to be so much fun. Scared because that means soon it will be all over & I’ll be in highschool soon. OKAY, I choose excited (:

3. I don’t know. I felt like it had no purpose to number them if there was less than three. So I just added this for no reason.

One more thing? I love you.

I fucking hate Taylor Rich.

donttrustahoe — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:07:31 +0000

Pretty much, that’s all.

I run my life or is it running me?

donttrustahoe — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 23:09:42 +0000

Listening to: I Run To You – Lady Antebellum

So after re-reading over and over again my last post I realized only one thing: never to ever write a blog when I am that ticked off. Ever. I can forget about Sam. I can fake a smile at Rachel & Rhonda & Trap’s suprise party. I can forgive my aunt…Well maybe. I can get over this and get through this. I have not spoken one word to any part of my mom’s side of the family since I wrote the last post. Crazy, right? Well, I guess that is technically a lie because I did text both of my aunts ONCE. But, I said speaking right? Oh well. My life has been so carefree the past week. I LIKE not talking to them. Scratch that- LOVE not talking to them. They are so stressing!

Me and Drew are friends again…sorta. I’m kind of working on that. Ha. I mean, we talk sometimes & he WAS the only person I could talk to the night Sam/Taylor almost broke up with me the first time. So maybe things will start being normal again. Although, I know they could never be exactly the same. Another glorious thing that has happened? My mother finally realized just how much I want to move and is ACTUALLY talking about moving the summer before freshman year! FUCK YES. I usually don’t curse on this blog THAT much, but just the thought of moving makes me sosososo happy. I’m sort of really liking the thought/idea of starting completely over. I mean, not only is highschool a big change BUT if I could move that would be even better. This whole town just makes me self conscious, really. I already have had to deal with these people in my school since I was 3, I do not want the four years of my life that are supposed to be the best ruined by them. OH, I completely forgot about this! I am finallllyy getting braces! Crazy right? They put some spacer shit in my mouth so they could have my teeth partially moved enough so that the REAL spacer would fit in my mouth perfectly. My gosh, it hurts so much. I had to eat a whole tub of ice cream and thats just from these little rubberbands! What am I going to do when they have to actually take out 4 of my teeth!

So, my problem of the week/month/year, you ask? I don’t really know who I am. I know things about myself, sure. Like, I grew up to fast. Flirtatiousness is a part of my personality. I never carry more than 4 things in my purse. I want to live in New York City in an apartment with a fire escape(i.e., Breakfast At Tiffanys). I do not under any circumstances like tomatoes. I’m afraid of creepers during the night. I try to please people way to much. I have a hard time saying no to people. I hate letting people down. Usually, I’ll say yes to arrange plans but not have any intentions on actually falling threw with them. I know that I usually fall faster than I should, and most times I am just setting myself up for disapointment. I know that I have a good talent at lying(not something I’m proud of.). I know that I have horrid trust issues & really only have a looksee of what ‘love’ is supposed to feel and be like from movies. I know that I say ‘fuck’ way to much. I know that sometimes I try to be someone I’m not so that some people will stay in my life. I know that I have dreams way to big for this town. I know that sometimes I take things for granted & I also know that I shouldn’t. I know that I shouldn’t dwell on the past or the mistakes my mom made in the past, to be more clear. I know I should be a more forgiving person and have more faith in people. But,like I said, I don’t trust easily. I know that I love crying. Not because I’m some emo freak, but I just love letting it all out and basically just being vulnerable for a few minutes. I know that I worry to much about the future and forget to just live in the moment, frequently. I’ve learned that it really usually is just a problem that I care to much and the other person cares to little. I’m aware that I do not know the meaning of a true bestfriend. I know that even though I may try and act like I do not, I care WAY to much about what other people live & I also know that is really a big part of why I hold back so much. The only question I have, is this: If I can figure out all of this, and so much more I can’t even write, why can’t I figure out who I am/who I am supposed to be? Am I supposed to know? Or just go wandering around this world alone, searching for the clue that will tell me all about myself. Or maybe I’m not supposed to be anyone. I’m supposed to just invent myself along the way and than when it comes a lot closer to the time that my life ends, I can look back and finally know just who exactly I am. But what do I know?