Okay. You know what might be the worst feeling in the world? Finding out I was wrong. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I know there’s nothing I could say that could fix this. I wish so badly that I could go back to the VERY FIRST time we broke up and undo it. I have so much faith that we would be together still if we hadn’t broken up that first time. So much faith. We had never even talked on the phone. And now, thinking about it, I realize that’s something we should be proud of not something I should bitch about all the time. We NEVER talked on the phone, we never heard eachother’s voice–yet we still fell in love with eachother. Well I hope it was love, at least. I know, at least, it was for me.
I can’t believe I did it again. I messed up. I made you feel like shit AGAIN. I was the heartless bitch AGAIN. I just don’t know why I get like that. I get scared. Scared that I’m going to get too attached to you and than one day you’re going to be gone. You’ll have found someone better. Or someone who hasn’t hurt you as many times as I have. Someone that you can actually trust. I used to be that girl that you could trust. I don’t know what has happened to me or how I let myself turn into this kind of girl. When we start talking again all those times, I get so happy. And so excited. And so…optimistic that everything will be okay. Than I start thinking. About how young we both are, but how I seriously and genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with you. And how maybe, you’re going to realize that there are other girls and other things you want to experience in the world, and being so committed to me isn’t the right thing for you. I get scared. So scared, that you’re going to leave me and that I’ll end up getting let down. So, instead of doing what I should do by trusting you and just BEING with you, I run away. I make up excuses. And it’s so clear to you now, I’m sure. I do the same thing everytime. I try to make it seem like I don’t care, and make it seem like I never cared, so that you’ll hate me. I’ll say stuff that will really really make you hate me and really really never want to talk to me again. But thinking about it now, I don’t know WHY I do that. I run away from you, when you’re the only person I can talk to and the only person who understands me. I’m so scared, Josh, that this time I’ve lost you for real. I’m so scared that this time really is the end and that I’ve pushed you too far to pull you back again. I know that when I do this I always say “it’s just roleplay” and all that. But it’s NOT just roleplay. It never was. And I wish I could take everything back. You don’t know how badly I want to do that. And how badly I want to make everything better. And how badly I want you to be in love with me like you were in love with me the FIRST time. I wish I could be stronger. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of everything. I wish I didn’t always push you away. I wish I didn’t have to make excuses all the time. I don’t even know WHY I do that. All I do is regret it as soon as I say the shit I say. It’s 12:52. SO far past my bedtime. I wonder if I’ll ever show you this. Or if I’ll ever even talk to you again… I wonder what you’d say. I wonder if you hate me. I wonder if you ever loved me the way you say you did, or if that was all just an act. I don’t think it was, but you know me. I just think to much, always.
