I know you will think I’m so crazy for falling in love with a boy from roleplay again, but I can’t help it. Josh is different, I think. I hope. I seriously fucking hope, because I swear if I find out he is fake I’ll become anorexic again. I hate having to worry about that. I know I should just trust him–but how am I supposed to do that when I know what happened last time I trusted a guy/girl from roleplay? Didn’t end too fucking well! But I just feel like everything about him is so damn real. It can’t be fake. It just can’t be.
Field day was today. The last field day at Saint David Catholic school for me. Kind of sad, kind of relieving. Can’t tell which I am feeling right now. Mostly sad. I can’t believe it’s almost all over. 11 years is almost over. All the friendships I’ve made, the people who I’ve known since I was three years old–we’re never going to be as close as we are right now. I’m so scared for the future. I’ve never been this scared in my life. I’m scared about where I’m going to live next year, who I’m going to talk too, what I’ll become. Whet if I don’t make any new friends. What if everyone hates me. I’m terrified of high school.Not to mention the face that I have to do it all by myself. I’m excited for high school, don’t get me wrong.. But I’m scared I won’t make any friends of my own. That I’ll just be a little tag-a-long to whatever Emily and Katie are doing in high school.
I know that my dad is trying. I truly know in my heart that it isn’t even close to a competition between me and my sister. But right now, that’s what it seems like. And she is definitely winning. It scares me that I don’t have as good of a relationship as she did with him. I’m jealous. Really fucking jealous. It just feels like everything I do is wrong and everything she does is right. I hate this feeling. Like I’m not wanted by him. Maybe that’s why I rely on Josh and a bunch of other boys I know so much to feel wanted and needed.
I’m scared to grow up. To be old and wrinkly and have no friends because I smell like old people. That scares me. I don’t want to be ugly. I want to die at 59. Is that bad?
I want to have a kid. I know that is so bad, but I feel like that’s what I really want. I want to be a mother, to always have a best friend. I don’t even care if it’s a girl or a boy. I just want to have a kid. And it’s bad, because I want a kid RIGHT NOW. I want a little baby. A little girl or boy that is my responsibility. I know it sounds crazy, I swear I’m not. I want one so bad. The cute outfits, the name picking. NO PERIOD FOR 9 MONTHS. I know those are only a few things I can think off the top of my head. But I am being completely serious. I want a kid when I’m 17. I can take online classes after they turn a year old, and get my bachelor’s degree. Than maybe go to real college classes during the days when my child is older, so I can get a degree in psychology or something. I don’t know what my plan is. But I swear it involves me having a child at a young age. I don’t care if that stereotypes me as trash, makes people hate me, I really just don’t care. It’s my life. I’ll fuck it up if I want. And who the fuck said it would be fucked up anyway? Damn.
Okay I’m so damn tired, so I’m going to hit the hay. Goodnight, blog.
